so I arrived back in ottawa the other day, and had the most apple themed supper ever... but first I'll mention the rest of the day:

 

I made an enemy out of one of my roommates and disappointed another... so that was sweet.

For breakfast I had the best blueberry pancakes of my life, they had some vanilla in them... it was sooooooooooo gooooooooood >_< but probably so bad for me!

For lunch I was on a bus back to ottawa, so I didn't really have anything... just gum and some iced green tea...

When I arrived... it was supper, and man did I go crazy on the apples. I ate apple chicken quesadillas, drank apple juice, then had a slice of apple pie for dessert (I'm bad I know!). I used left over apple chicken mix to make omelettes this morning, so that was a nice use of leftovers I suppose...

 

 

Anyways... I've had one of those super productive, yet not productive days... where you do a dozen little things that you had to do, but didn't do anything towards the big thing you have to do... I deposited a check from my dad, paid my tuition, emailed a prof about a mark, emailed another prof about being a reference for my medical school application etc etc... but did nothing for my research project (which I'm supposed to work on for about 7 hours a week... and I haven't worked on for crap...)....

 

I feel kinda mellow... not sad... but just... meh... I need a pick-me-up!

I'm in that frustrating position where I just can't keep myself honest... I find it so much easier to lose weight, when I am far heavier, but when I approach my goal, or when I slowly gain weight away from it... I find myself making poor decisions.

Example: Homemade blueberry squares sitting on the oven, fresh and delicious... I want them so badly, and I'm not normally the kind of person to crave sweet things (I prefer salty snacks by far). I tell myself that I'm a relatively big guy, 6 foot 2, so I can get away with a fair amount of calories before I have to worry, I can have a square... But then I force myself to remember that its that attitude that lead me to put over 10 pounds back on since I was last on xanga frequently. 

If I use that justification on every meal, every snack, then it all adds up, and I end up packing on the pounds.

 

So I look around me and see:

Zucchini loaf

Blueberry squares

cookies

fresh bread

apples and other fresh fruits

cereal

yellow beans and other fresh vegetables

and more...

 

what should I eat? I'm pretty hungry, and I haven't eaten today... maybe a glass of water first to dull the hunger so I don't go crazy... I just wish I could have stayed halfway between my LW and my CW, I would be happy with that...

 

As an aside, for the day I plan on working on my research project, I'm trying to get published in a scientific journal... and working on my medschool application. I think I'm in a far better position than last year to apply, especially ever since I scored in the 99.4 percentile on the MCAT.

 

Hope everyone's day goes well

 

So i realize that I'm the worst... I rarely update... I only seem to when things are really good, or when things are really bad...

Well, right now things are pretty bad.

In terms of weightloss I have been steady for a while now. I'm still about 170 pounds and 6 foot 2, thats not too bad for a guy I guess... but I'm still not happy.

But that isn't why things are bad... sure I'm frustrated that I'm stuck at the same weight... but things are bad because of the girl I am/was seeing, the one with the multiple lives and multiple boyfriends.

We had a huge confrontation, and it all came out, she never dumped either of them, only went into reduced dating sort of. She says she hasn't slept with them since she was with me, but I can't really believe her because one of the guys (my roommate no less) says that they slept together the day after my birthday... what a great gift.

I've told her she has to make everything work before I can even consider being her friend... but she is being crazy nice and protective of me now. I think she is afraid that I will move on, because she goes crazy when I say I'm going to the club, or to see a girlfriend.

Right now I'm at her place... thats right, I spent the nigh even though I shouldn't... she cooked super last night and is making breakfast right now... things seem great... but... I don't know if they are real. They seemed great before and they were built on lies then... what has changed? She still hasn't ended it with them.


god I hate this... I know that I shouldn't want to be with her.. but I do... I'm so stupid... and I'm still fucking fat... fuck